Lost Without You
by clagjanet
Summary: Sundance #13 Lee returns from overseas hoping to work on earning Amanda's forgiveness, but far older ghosts of his past behavior are waiting for him at home.
1. How to Lose Your Mind in Three Days

_Takes place a few weeks after the events of my story, "A Matter of Life and Death". This one is not as "off canon" as much as others because, well, just because._

* * *

Lee stepped out of the elevator and headed toward the bullpen, not quite sure of his reception. He felt a little bit like Amanda's overture to forgive him had been terrible timing. Not that he was upset that she'd made it, just that he hadn't been able to stay and cement it.

He hadn't even had time to tell anyone he was back. He'd wrapped up the case in Colombo and without even a pause to get a decent night's sleep, he'd booked his flight home. He wasn't superstitious and he didn't believe in that whole Mercury-in-retrograde nonsense that Francine had been known to spout, but he'd been restless the whole time he was away. That never happened to him – when he was on a case it had his full attention, and although this one had been no different, he'd been unable to shake the uneasy feeling that haunted him.

His steps slowed as he saw Francine ahead of him and the smile spread across his face as she turned. He liked coming home to his apartment after a long trip, but he'd realized as the years went by that what he really liked was coming home to friendly faces. Which is why his smile froze, then faltered, as she caught sight of him and her face went blank.

"Lee." He could see her lips moving, saying his name, but she didn't smile – she looked almost like she'd seen a ghost.

_Is she still mad at me?_ was the first thought that crossed his mind, but she didn't look angry, just stunned. He walked up, watching as she attempted to cover up her initial reaction. "Is everything ok? What's happened that put that look on your face?"

"Everything's fine, just fine," she reassured him. "Honestly, I just wasn't expecting to see you today. Or this week really. Last time I checked you were a million miles away."

"Not quite a million, but I'll admit to not being quite sure what time zone I'm in right now," he smiled warmly at her.

"I bet," Francine answered. She glanced back down the hall, at what he wasn't sure. "Are you on your way to see Billy?"

"Yeah, I'm not on the clock, but I wanted to check in and let him know I'm back," Lee replied as they turned to walk through the bullpen doors together. He let his gaze sweep the room. "So, is Amanda in today?"

"Yeah, she's, um, she's helping us with a resettlement thing. Putting her people skills to use."

"Oh yeah, Billy mentioned that before I left."

Francine's head swivelled to look up at him, eyes wide. "You know about it?"

"Not much," shrugged Lee. "He didn't have a lot of details back then. Just that it was some scientist or something."

"Oh, I see."

Francine tapped on Billy's door then stepped in almost immediately even before Billy's barked order to enter. His back was to them as he flipped through a file drawer.

"Billy," Francine started to speak, but was interrupted by a frustrated growl from her boss.

"Francine, do you have any idea where we put the rental agreement for the Spinelli house? Amanda wanted to check it to see if it-"

"Spinelli? _Angelo_ Spinelli?" Lee croaked out and watched Billy spin around to face them.

"Scarecrow! I thought you were still in Sri Lanka! When did you get back?"

Lee could tell from Billy's expression that he'd been hoping that he was still in Sri Lanka. "Last night. So is it? Angelo Spinelli?"

Billy and Francine exchanged a look and Lee gritted his teeth. One of the downsides of having been friends with them for so long was that they knew more about him than most people, even about stuff he would never normally have shared.

"Yes," said Billy, finally. "Our operatives in Estonia helped smuggle him out of Russia a few weeks ago. They put him on a North Sea freighter and sent him here. He arrived two days ago." He gave Lee an apologetic look. "I didn't know who it was until he got here."

"And that's who Amanda supposed to help?" When Billy nodded, he looked back and forth between him and Francine, who was now wearing a look of sympathy that set him on edge. "Where are they now?"

For just an instant, he could tell they weren't going to answer him and then Francine reluctantly did.

"Briefing Room 3."

Lee spun on his heel and stalked back across the bullpen, yanking open the glass door and striding down the corridor. He could see them through the blinds on the briefing room window, sitting together, Angelo and Eva, side by side, two dark heads studying some papers on the table. His heart seized just a little bit at the sight, the pang of that moment when Eva had told him she was marrying Angelo still a fresh pain, even after all this time. He stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Oh Lee, hello! It is good to see you!" It was Angelo who was first on his feet holding out his hand with a friendly smile, and Lee was reminded all over again how much he'd liked this kind, open-hearted man, despite everything that had happened.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Eva rise to her feet more slowly, and plastering on his best friendly smile, he turned to look at the woman who'd broken his heart. And felt his heart seize up for another reason entirely, as instead of dark blue eyes, his gaze met dark brown ones. "Amanda?"

"Welcome home, Lee." Amanda's voice was soft and tentative and he wondered what she'd read on his face in that instant before he realized his mistake. "I didn't know you were back."

He stared at her for an uncomfortably long beat, speechless with confusion as his brain scrambled to catch up to reality from expectation, before finally managing to say "I, uh… I got here last night." He shook himself and smiled at her – she wasn't who he'd expected in that moment, but he felt an unexpected rush of relief at seeing her. ""I'm sorry I didn't see you there – I guess I'm more jetlagged than I thought. And thanks, it's good to be back."

Amanda had visibly relaxed at the sight of his smile and beamed back at him. "And we're glad to see you home safe and sound," she answered. "At least, I assume…"

"Not even a scratch," Lee rushed to reassure her. "Just a few cramps in my back after airport- hopping my way home for the last few days."

Angelo chuckled. "That sounds like the height of luxury. If you can avoid crossing the Atlantic in a crate, do so."

Lee dragged his attention off Amanda and back to Angelo, frowning slightly as he took in Angelo's implication. "Yeah, I will keep that in mind. But you made it out okay? The Agency's been helping you?"

"Oh, yes, everyone has been very kind and very helpful," Angelo nodded. "Especially Mrs. King – she has been trying to explain regular American life to me, but I'm afraid I am not a good student – not like you, hmm?" he finished, lightly teasing. "You were always in the front row at my seminars, weren't you?"

Lee nodded, forcing a smile back to his face.

"I'm just… well, I've just been helping Mr. Spinelli with the details of his new identity," Amanda entered the conversation. "But I gather you two know each other?"

Her obvious surprise and curiosity made it clear to Lee that neither Billy nor Francine had filled her in on that bit of his history. "Ah, well, yes…" he started.

"Lee was in love with my wife," Angelo joked. "Although in his defense, that was before we married – and he was not the only one. I'm not even sure he was the only spy taking my seminar that year."

Amanda turned to look at Lee, unable to hide her shock at Angelo's comment.

"Eva was the toast of Venice," Lee joked desperately. "I think you beat a lot of us to the punch when you proposed to her. Although perhaps she would not have liked being my wife if she'd been expected to keep secrets… She told you about me?"

"We did not have many secrets between us," said Angelo. "She admitted to me that she had liked you very much."

Lee was uncomfortably aware that Amanda was listening avidly to the entire exchange. He could almost hear it all clicking into place in her head, everything he'd admitted that night when he'd let her quiz him about his past.

"So where is she?"

Angelo looked at him with obvious confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Eva," Lee replied, trying desperately to sound nonchalant. "Didn't she come with you?"

Angelo's look of confusion turned to one of sympathy. "Oh, Lee, surely you knew."

Lee knew from the tiny gasp that Amanda had just given off that he'd waded into deep waters. It certainly didn't take ESP to know that something terrible had happened. "Knew what?" he still asked hoarsely, dreading the answer.

"Eva is dead," answered Angelo quietly. "She died in Lubyanka prison just a few months ago."


	2. Lost in the Past

Even though Lee had been expecting it from the moment he'd seen that look on Angelo's face, actually hearing it was different. The world went cold and everything in the room sounded like it was coming at him down a long tunnel. He gaped at Angelo, trying to process that the effervescence of the woman he'd known in Venice could have been snuffed out behind the cold grey walls of a Russian prison. He sank into a chair, not sure how he'd remained standing up until now.

"It was my fault… if I had just given the KGB what they wanted…" Angelo was saying now.

"Oh, Mr. Spinelli, I'm sure it wasn't your fault…" Amanda began then faltered as Lee turned an incredulous look on her. "I mean, the KGB are not very nice people." She went silent as Lee grimaced at that understatement.

Amanda may have stopped talking, but her mind was racing. She'd been so happy to see Lee walk in, and just a little bit relieved that he hadn't noticed her at first so that she had time to school her face into a polite smile - instead of throwing herself across the room to hug him. She'd really missed him in the weeks he'd been gone, still feeling terrible that she's been frosty with him before that over that last case and wishing she'd had a chance to make it up to him before he'd left. Even her mother had called her out for being mopey, but had put it down to Amanda still being upset about Lee's "transfer" and Amanda hadn't corrected her.

She'd watched Lee as he'd greeted Angelo as an old friend, his whole demeanour cheerful and relaxed, but then he had turned to her and stiffened. His emotions had been like a kaleidoscope across his face: confusion, surprise, and the tiniest flicker of what had seemed to be disappointment before he'd shaken himself and smiled at her – really smiled, like he was happy to see her and in that instant, she'd been sure they were going to be fine.

She sat back to drink him in – his attention had shifted back to Angelo after greeting her, and she could stare at him as much as she liked. She listened to them talk about their shared past and although she was paying attention, she was also noting all the little details: the slight bags under his eyes that said he was exhausted, the scratchy sound in the timbre of his voice that said he was emotional, the deep tan that said he'd been somewhere a lot warmer than Washington. And then he asked that fateful question and she watched as the tan had turned ashen and Lee had staggered into a chair like a man who'd received a crippling blow. His eyes had come up to meet hers, so filled with pain that she'd leapt into the conversation with Angelo without thinking, just wanting to give him a moment to compose himself before he gave anything else away.

"Are you ready to go?" asked Francine from the doorway.

"Go?" asked Lee, blankly. He still looked stunned from Angelo's revelation.

"We were just getting ready to take Mr. Spinelli over to the house he'll be staying in," explained Amanda.

"A safe house?"

"Yes," Francine answered. "He'll have round-the-clock protection while he's here being…"

"Deprogrammed?" quipped Angelo.

"Interviewed," finished Francine, looking embarrassed.

"I want to go with you," interjected Lee.

Francine and Amanda exchanged startled looks. "Lee, you only just got home. I don't think that's a good idea," said Francine

"Well, I think it's a great idea," said Lee. "It's difficult for Angelo, I'm sure, trying to adjust to all this. I think a familiar face is just what he needs."

"I'll have to check with Billy," said Francine, doubtfully.

"You do that. In the meantime, Amanda and I will go with Angelo, start getting him settled in." Lee turned to Amanda, silently, but unmistakably pleading for her support.

"Well, I was going to suggest we stop for a bite to eat on our way," she stammered out. "Since we haven't had a chance to stock the fridge at the safe house yet… So how about if we go find lunch and we can meet up with Francine at the house?"

"That would be okay, I guess," Francine gave in after looking back and forth between them for a beat. "Jake's ready to drive you."

"That's not necessary. I can drive," said Lee. "Come on, let's get out of here." He stood up and went the door, looking at them expectantly.

Amanda smiled nervously as she studied him – he was rocking on his feet and rubbing his fingers together like he always did when he was on edge. It seemed like this might be a bad idea, but then again, it also seemed like it would be better to get Lee outside before he burst. She stood up and led the way out of the room

"So, Mr. Spinelli, what do you think you'd like for lunch?" she asked, turning to Angelo as they walked down the corridor, Lee directly behind them, his hands jammed in his pockets.

"You know, I am not certain what I would like," he admitted. "I have had nothing, but cabbage soup for so long that everything sounds good."

"How about burgers?" interrupted Lee. "There's bound to be a place on the way."

Amanda looked at Angelo, who shrugged. "That seems like a very American thing to do, and since I will be American now, why not?"

Twenty minutes later, they were seated around a table at Mighty Meaty Hamburgers. Lee had gone to collect their order and Amanda was explaining the credit card applications to Angelo who was shaking his head in consternation.

"My wife did so much of this for me," he explained. "I never had to worry about anything when she was with me."

"Were you married for long?" Amanda asked, with a quick glance to see if Lee was still out of earshot.

"No, a few years only. She was much younger than I was; she was my research assistant. I was supposed to be the boss, but she was very determined to be the one looking after me." Angelo laughed self-consciously. "My work distracted me often, but she mothered me, you know? Making sure I ate meals and paid bills and wore clean shirts." He stared down at the pile of paperwork in front of him. "I got used to letting her handle this type of thing." He looked back at Amanda with a wry look. "It was Eva that convinced me to accept the offer from the Soviet government. Her mother is Romanian, you know, and although she had been living in the West for some time, she still had family who encouraged us to take the Russians up on their offer. Eva thought it would be good for my future… for my career..." He tapped the papers. "But here I am without her, and now I am Richard Kelly who works in a plumbing store."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Spinelli," said Amanda helplessly.

"Mr. Kelly," he corrected her, sadly. "I must get used to that, no?"

Angelo bent his head to begin studying the paperwork again, while Amanda studied him in turn. She hadn't known anything about Mr. Spinelli's past history when Billy had assigned her to help him acclimatize to America, but of course, none of that had really mattered. She didn't need to know about his past to help him with his future – although she did have doubts about the part where he was going to be a plumbing supply salesman.

Once again, she found herself thinking about how it was so typical of the Agency to come up with something like that without thinking it through. Angelo was obviously never going to actually work in plumbing supplies, but there was no doubt in her mind that the first time he trotted out that backstory, whoever he was talking to would immediately start asking him about how to fix some kind of problem in their house. It was what normal people did, a concept the Agency seemed to be unable to grasp. You meet a doctor, you ask them for medical advice; you meet a plumber, you ask him how to make your toilet stop running.

"Why not hide a camper van in a campground? Why be an equipment manager when you could be a player?" she muttered under her breath. "And why on earth take an Italian brain expert and hide him as an Irish plumber?"

Angelo lifted his head and look at her with confusion. "Did you say something, Mrs. King?"

"Oh no, just talking to myself," she said brightly. "Making lists, that sort of thing." She looked around. "I'll just go see if Lee needs help with the food."

She walked up to the counter, leaning against it to watch Lee as he sorted out the missing items with the girl at the window. "Colossus of Rhodes, huh? You must really have missed American food."

"Yeah, rice and fish curry gets old pretty fast," he agreed. "I've been having dreams about burgers for days. Nothing fancy, just a regular old burger. Comfort food, you know?"

She wondered if Lee even remembered taking that raincheck for a burger date the other week. She could see his tension in the way he was fiddling with everything on the tray and the way he still hadn't met her eyes.

"How are you doing?" he asked. "Not going to be too much work helping him out?" He had finally looked up to check on Angelo, then let his gaze slip back to her.

"I'm fine," she shrugged with a soft smile. "Mr. Spinelli seems very nice, but it's all pretty overwhelming. Of course, it's going to be hard for him, he misses his wife a lot."

Lee looked down at his feet, then back at her. "Yeah, I know."

"Gee, you know, it's funny," she ventured. "In all the conversations we've had, you never mentioned Eva."

A bitter smile went across Lee's face. "Amanda, do you have any idea how many things I have never mentioned to you?"

She gave him a fond smile. "Oh, a couple of million, I bet."

Lee allowed himself a small laugh. "Not quite that many."

That laugh made her feel a little braver. "Close, though."

"Yeah maybe," he allowed.

"I guess I shouldn't really be all that surprised that you never mentioned her, I mean, I guess I'm used to you not talking about yourself much. But…"

"You thought maybe I'd have found time to mention a girl I wanted to marry?" he asked

"Yeah." Amanda gathered her courage to press on as Lee fiddled with the stack of napkins. "I guess you almost did, that night you let me ask all the questions – she was the reason you pleaded the Fifth, right?" She waited for his rueful nod. "So what was she like? What kind of woman is the one who almost married Lee Stetson?"

"I almost married her. There's probably a subtle difference."

"Not so subtle," said Amanda, tilting her head as she watched him. "So she turned you down?"

Lee shook his head and gave her another sad smile. "We never really got that far. I wanted to talk to her about it, she came running into the café all excited, and she told me she was marrying Angelo. And that was that. I wished her all the best and said I was very happy for them."

"You told her who you really were though – that you were an agent, I mean. You must have thought she was… I mean, you don't just tell anyone about yourself." Amanda faltered, thinking about how difficult it had been to get Lee to open up about himself and wondering about the woman who had apparently breached those defenses so easily.

"I thought she could be the one," he admitted. "I hadn't met someone before that I wanted to be completely truthful with and I didn't want to be acting a cover when I was with her – I wanted her to care about me, not the fake grad student. And it felt right – she accepted everything I said without a blink and never pulled away." He shot her a quick look. "When she married Angelo instead, I guess it felt like maybe I'd been wrong to think it didn't bother her. That when it came down to it, a safe life with the professor was better than a life with me."

"I'm sorry, this is really none of my business." It was Amanda's turn to stare at her feet, unable to watch the pain on Lee's face.

"No, it's fine. It all feels like it was a lifetime ago. And we- well, it probably wouldn't have worked out for us anyway. You know better than anyone how it is – I do stuff in this job that is hard to accept sometimes."

She felt the pang of remorse that she'd fought with him over that exact thing. "I'm still sorry," she murmured. "Sorry for being nosy and sorry that you've lost someone you cared about."

"Yeah, well," Lee gave a little shrug. "I lost her a long time ago."


	3. Losing Proposition

"Amanda, thank God you're here."

"Gosh, Francine, that's more than your usual 'Good morning'. What on earth is the matter?"

"I was worried you might have gone straight to the safe house. You need to know something, but I can't tell you out here." Francine grabbed Amanda's arm and maneuvered her down the hall toward the break room. She looked around as they entered, making sure they were alone before closing the door and turning to her. "It is not a good morning, Amanda. This is a terrible morning."

"Oh my gosh, what's happened?" Amanda could see that Francine was really stressed and tried to break the tension with humor. "I mean, I never "need to know" anything around here!"

"You need to know this," replied Francine grimly. "Eva Spinelli just showed up."

Amanda sat down abruptly and stared up at her. "Angelo's wife, Eva? His dead wife?"

Francine nodded. "Turns out the Russians only told Angelo she was dead to try and break him. She busted out, got herself to the American Embassy and then over here. Billy just took her over to the safe house for a cozy reunion."

"But Francine! Lee's over there!" Amanda babbled.

"I know," she nodded. "That's why it's not a good morning."

"Does Mr. Melrose know? About how Lee felt about her?"

"Oh yes. He was trying to stall for time before taking her to see Angelo so he could get him out of there first, but she got very insistent and we ran out of excuses to keep her here. That's why he took her personally. Just in case," she finished ominously.

"Just in case what?" asked Amanda. "You don't think Lee would do anything, do you?"

"I don't know – we don't know!" fretted Francine. "With luck, Billy will be able to get in the house first and brief him so it doesn't come as too much of a shock, but that woman… It wouldn't surprise me if she just sails in there and beats him to the punch just for the drama of it all."

"Does she know Lee is there?"

"I don't think so – there shouldn't be any reason to tell her, right? But she kept going on and on about her beloved husband, how she needed to see him right away, how even another few minutes would be too much."

"She sounds very emotional," ventured Amanda.

"She seems very theatrical if you want my opinion," snorted Francine. "There was a lot of languishing glances and hand-wringing."

"Maybe she's just being, um, Italian?" Amanda conjectured. "I understand they're a very sentimental people."

"She would have done the _La Scala_ proud, chomping on the scenery."

"You didn't believe her? Why not?" she asked as Francine shook her head.

"She's one of those women," said Francine darkly. She gave a grim smile as Amanda laughed at her tone. "When I first went into talk to her, she was all business. Very polite, very pulled together. Then Efraim came in to give me some of the stuff they'd pulled up on her escape from Russia." She frowned thoughtfully. "And when she thought he was just some flunky bringing in papers, she ignored him – I mean, ignored him like he didn't exist."

"Oh, that's not good," Amanda commented.

"And then Billy came in, and she was oozing her charms all over the place. All of a sudden, it's batting her eyes and 'poor little me' – you know the kind of thing?" As Amanda nodded, she went on, "And then, when Billy said Efraim would be in charge of confirming her story so that she could be cleared to be released to the safe house, oh boy, suddenly he existed!"

"Oh, I see. One of _those_ women," Amanda nodded with understanding.

"And suddenly I was the invisible person in the room," added Francine.

"I knew girls like that in college," said Amanda. "I thought people grew out of that."

"Not this one. She knows what she wants and she knows the best way to use her assets to get it."

"What did Efraim make of her?" Amanda asked.

Francine snorted again. "Based on how frigidly polite he was to her, not much. He watched the transformation same as me and since she didn't know about our relationship, he wasn't very impressed when she switched her attention to him and started ignoring me."

"She sounds awful." Amanda chewed a cuticle worriedly. "Do you think Lee will notice she's changed?"

"Who's to say she's changed?" asked Francine, her brow lifting questioningly. "This could have been her _modus operandi _her whole life for all we know. Smarter men than Lee Stetson have been fooled by a pretty face."

"So she's pretty?" The question was out before she could stop it. It was a silly question; of course, she was pretty if Lee had fallen for her.

Francine nodded. "Not classically beautiful, but there's something about her. You'd always know she's in the room – sort of exotic and hypnotic. Not his usual type, so it must have been serious."

"Oh," Amanda replied in a small voice. "Do you think… do you think Lee will fall for her all over again? I hate to think of him getting hurt again."

"Hard to say," Francine shrugged. "If she turns those baby blues on him, maybe, but I can't see why she would. She's got her husband, she's got asylum in America and she'll figure out soon enough, they won't be keeping her anywhere near Washington as part of their new identities. And for all his faults, Lee never fools around with married women – that's his line in the sand."

"No, he doesn't, that's true," Amanda agreed.

"Anyway, you'll see for yourself since you're still expected over there to help with the readjustment process."

"Oh my gosh." Amanda forced herself to put her hand back down in her lap before she did any further damage to her nails. "Will Lee be there too?"

Francine spread her hands. "Not if Billy can get him out of there. It was a bad idea to let him get himself involved when it was just Angelo, but now it's a terrible idea."

"Did he…" Amanda stared down at her hands for another beat before continuing. "Do you think he really loved her?"

"Truthfully?"

Amanda nodded.

"I don't know. None of us were over there - we never met her before today. He was honest in his file notes about getting involved with a girl, but backing off when she got engaged to the subject. And he was home pretty soon after that, looking a bit worse for wear, off his dating game, not himself. It wasn't until we went for a drink after Eric's funeral and he had a few too many that he told us he'd almost proposed to her. He was a bit maudlin seeing Eric's family and it all kind of came out. I couldn't believe it."

"Why?"

"Lee Stetson getting married? Come on, you know what he's like. Can you seriously picture him settling down with a wife and kids?""

"Actually… yes," said Amanda. "I think I can."

"Well, you have a better imagination than I do then."

"You know," Amanda said with a touch of reprimand in her tone. "I've only ever known you and Efraim together since we met, but from the way people talk, they're still surprised that a woman like you is with a man like him."

"Well, they don't know him like I do."

"And maybe you don't know Lee as well as you think," countered Amanda. As Francine stiffened and opened her mouth to argue, Amanda rushed on. "Oh I don't mean you don't know him well, I just mean, maybe he doesn't let you see some parts of himself."

"But he lets you?"

Amanda shrugged. "We've been through some pretty weird things together. And I treat him differently than you do because we're different kind of friends, so I guess maybe I see different things. Do you see what I mean?"

"I think I do," Francine nodded.

Amanda sighed. "You're right, though. If she's the one that got away, this is going to be a terrible morning."


	4. Lost Cause

_I lost her a long time ago._

Lee couldn't help thinking that as he stood by the kitchen window watching Eva and Angelo outside.

"Are you okay?" asked a soft voice at his elbow.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?" he replied, tearing his gaze from the couple outside to look at Amanda.

Her eyes were full of concern and there was a tiny furrow on her brow as she studied him. "Because you've had quite a shock. Well, two shocks really. And you were already tired and on edge and it doesn't look like you slept at all last night."

"I slept," he grunted.

"Lee, are you sure you should be here?" she asked. "You haven't even given yourself a chance to recover from the jet lag and you always tell me how an agent needs his sleep to be at his best."

"I tell you that so you'll stop calling me early in the morning when I'm trying to sleep in," Lee answered with a grim smile, one that didn't reach his eyes. "I'm fine. Stop asking."

He lifted his coffee cup to his lips and went back to staring at the couple out in the garden.

"I, uh… I brought some new paperwork," she said, finally. "For Angelo and um, Eva. The first set was for just him, you know… and now…"

"So they've come up with a background for Mrs. Kelly?" he asked, the bitterness seeping into his voice.

"Yes, she'll be Maria now. A French teacher."

"She'll like that," Lee answered. "She always said she liked kids. Wanted a whole bunch of them."

"She did?" asked Amanda.

"You sound like you don't believe that," said Lee, turning to her fully now.

"It just seems odd," Amanda shrugged.

"Odd how?"

"Well, if she wanted lots of kids… that she'd marry someone so much older than her," Amanda lifted her own coffee mug and buried her face in it.

"Older men can be dads too," Lee pointed out.

"I know that. I mean, my ex-husband is older than me, but we were both a lot younger when we met. I just think that it's odd, that's all."

"Yeah, well maybe she thought an older professor type would be a better dad than a guy who just confessed to her about being an intelligence agent."

"Intelligence agents can be dads too," Amanda echoed his comment from the moment before. "I mean, look at Mr. Melrose."

"Do you think that could be why though?" he asked, sounding slightly desperate. "Do you think she chose him because she thought he was father material?"

"I think she might have chosen him because he asked," said Amanda gently.

Lee slumped slightly and glanced outside briefly. "Could it have been that easy?"

Amanda didn't have the heart to tell him "_Yes_".

* * *

Dinner that night was excruciating. She knew Francine had been working on Billy to get him to assign someone else to be the babysitter, but apparently, he thought there was no reason to confuse the Spinellis with personnel changes when it seemed to him that Lee was handling it just fine.

Lee was not handling it, fine or otherwise. Amanda had accepted Angelo's request that she stay for dinner, but it had felt like there was a tangible vibration of competing emotions that meant she hadn't tasted even a bite of it. Lee had been overly hearty, trying to pretend that there was nothing odd about the situation – which was ridiculous, she thought to herself, because, even if the Spinellis hadn't been the other two members of his love triangle, they were still fresh out of Russian prison – not a quality conducive to easy dinner conversation. Add to that the fact that Lee kept sneaking looks at Eva, while Eva's hackles went up every time Angelo said a word to Amanda… well, it had been an altogether unpleasant evening.

And now she was trapped in the kitchen with a man who closely resembled a caged tiger, watching him aggressively mop the floor. It would have made her laugh at any other time, but right now, it just made her tired and sad.

"You know, if you applied this much elbow grease to your apartment, it would be a lot more livable," she commented at last, trying to find a way to lighten the mood.

"Do I detect a lack of enthusiasm for my work program?" snapped Lee.

"Lee, you've been on duty with Angelo for almost two days now. You should be letting someone else take over and you should be getting some sleep!" she answered, exasperated. "And I should be home keeping an eye on Phillip and Jamie's sleepover party."

"I can sleep here." Lee gave the mop a violent push. "And you can go home."

"Lee, please," she pleaded, reaching out to touch his arm. "Please let someone else take a shift. Go home, sleep in your own bed, get your head together."

"I'm fine," he repeated.

That's all he'd said all day whenever she'd asked him, but she could tell it wasn't true. She didn't want him to know how worried she was about him, but her own nerves were reaching a breaking point. He'd been almost manic all day, looking for ways to keep busy around the house, but always keeping Eva in sight.

"This isn't healthy," she tried again. "You're too emotionally involved."

Lee's eyes snapped up to hers, flaring with anger. "Oh and I suppose you're some kind of expert on that, are you?"

Amanda had been treating him with kid gloves up until now but she'd been here watching him in pain for 12 hours and she was at the end of her tether. Before she could stop herself, she was snapping back. "No, but I think that the Spinellis need some time alone to get reacquainted and I don't think they can do that easily with you hanging around staring at her like a lovesick teenager."

"I'm not!" Lee growled.

"You are!" Amanda shot back. "And you know it!"

Lee went back to his mopping, refusing to meet her eyes. "You think this is karma, don't you?"

"What?" she replied, startled by the sudden attack.

"Me thinking someone I cared about was dead and then finding out they're not," he muttered. "You think I deserve this."

"Lee!" She recoiled, hurt and too tired to hide it. "That's an awful thing to say!"

For just a flash, she saw the guilt in his expression, that he'd touched that raw nerve, however unintentionally, but somehow that guilt just seemed to add tinder to the fire of his reaction.

"Is it?" he lashed out. "Or is it the truth? You don't seem to like her very much."

Amanda caught her breath at the expression in Lee's eyes. The only time she'd seen anything even vaguely similar was when Lee had been under Ted Glaser's evil experiment last year and she'd actually been afraid of him. It was the same now – a kaleidoscope of anger and fear and pain flashed across his face as he lashed out.

She crossed her arms and took a deep breath to get her own abraded temper under control. "How can I like her or not? I've barely met her."

"You seemed to hit it off with Angelo right off the bat." Lee was leaning in his mop now, watching her.

"Well, he's a very friendly person," said Amanda. "Maybe that's part of his ESP thing, being so open and friendly. He's easy to like."

"But not Eva? Seem to me like she's been perfectly friendly to you all day."

Amanda considered that. She'd wanted to like her, for Lee's sake, knowing what she meant to him, but she'd also had all day to see that Francine's assessment was pretty accurate. Eva ignored her, giving most of her attention to her husband, of course, but always with a smile for Lee or a light touch as she passed him. Lee had lapped up these little bits of attention eagerly but they made Amanda wince, the way they seemed like she was leading him on, just for what? Just to know she could get a reaction from him? It was also obvious though, that Lee couldn't see any of that, so she picked her next words with care.

"She's been polite, but not friendly. I don't think she's as friendly as her husband. But maybe she's one of those women that don't get along with other women."

"What does that mean?"

She shrugged. "Maybe it's something only another woman would pick up on. Some women see all other women as competition when there are men around – it might be different if she and I were alone, but I'm not sure."

Lee straightened up, a look of interest on his face. "You mean, she's what? Jealous? Because you're here with me?"

Too late, she realized the trap she'd just set – and then walked into. "I didn't say that!"

"But you said you think she sees you as competition."

Amanda closed her eyes and breathed deeply again. "Lee, you're grasping at straws. She's married to Angelo, she escaped a Russian prison to get back to him, she is about to go to bed with him in the room down the hall." The look of naked pain on his face was too much for her and her anger evaporated. She reached out to grasp his arm again. "Please, Lee, stop torturing yourself. Please let someone else take over for the night and go get some rest at home."

He stared down at her hand on his arm, then back up to meet her eyes. "Amanda, I know you think I need looking after, but this is…"

_Personal, _she thought.

"My job," he finished.

And here they were - again. _Oh Lee. _She closed her eyes and lifted her hand off him. "I understand."

And she did; she also understood now that there was nothing she could do to keep him from tearing himself apart over this.

"Oh Lee, there you are!" said Eva from the doorway, looking back and forth between the two of them. "I was just coming to say good night. Angelo has found the whole day very tiring, having so many people around when he is used to the solitude of a prison cell. But you are staying, aren't you, Lee? I didn't mean to make it sound like we find _you_ tiring." She turned limpid eyes on Amanda. "Mandy, I am surprised you are here so late. Did you not say at dinner that your boys were expecting you home tonight?"

"Yes, I did," agreed Amanda, looking at Lee and realizing the last few minutes had just become a futile exercise. If he'd taken in anything she'd said, it was obviously gone now – Lee had turned to Eva the way a sunflower follows the light. "I was just leaving," she said, with forced cheerfulness.

Lee gave her a look that was a mix of plea and apology. "We'll see you in the morning though, right?"

"Oh yes, of course. Mr. Melrose asked me to help Mr. and Mrs. Spinelli get settled, so that's what I'll be doing," she said. "That's my job," she couldn't resist adding.

"You mean Mr. and Mrs. Kelly," said Eva with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "If you are to help us get resettled, Mandy, you must also get used to calling us by our new names, no?"

"Yes indeed," agreed Amanda through gritted teeth. "We should all get used to you being Maria now. But you know, I think that could be helpful, don't you? Starting a whole new life in America with a new name and all your past erased? A clean slate to start your life with Angelo – or rather, Richard."

"Ah yes, Richard," said Eva, lightly. "That will take some getting used to." She gave Lee a bright smile. "What do you think of my new life, Lee? Do you think Maria Kelly will be a successful American?"

"I think, uh… I think you'll be successful at anything you do," said Lee. "You're a very capable woman."

"Capable?" she repeated, nose wrinkling. "That sounds so dull. You used to compliment me with much more romantic words, _cara_."

Amanda rolled her eyes, watching Lee stiffen as he saw her do so. "I'm heading home," she said through gritted teeth. "Good night _Mrs_. Kelly. And Lee, give some thought to what I said, won't you?"

Lee nodded. "Good night Amanda. See you in the morning."

"Yes, good night, Mandy," said Eva. "We'll see you in the morning."

With one last look at Lee, Amanda turned and walked out of the kitchen. "Good night, Mr. Spinelli," she called to Angelo in the living room.

"Good night, Amanda," he said, rising to his feet and coming to help her on with her coat "Thank you so much for everything you have done for us today. This would all have been so much more difficult without your help."

She followed his gaze as he looked toward the kitchen before he looked back at her and gave her a shrug of acknowledgement. It was obvious he had been far from oblivious to the emotional undertones of the day and it struck her again how much nicer he was than his wife. She didn't think it was just because of knowing what Eva had been to Lee; no, she was pretty sure she would have disliked Eva Spinelli anyway.

"It was my pleasure to help you," she said honestly. "And don't get overwhelmed – it will all be better tomorrow."

She could suddenly hear Billy's voice in her head, telling her that exact same thing weeks before. She leaned in impulsively to kiss Angelo on the cheek. As she pulled back, she realized Eva and Lee had walked back in just in time to see it, both wearing identically blank expressions.

"Good night, Angelo," she said.

"Good night, Amanda."


	5. Fighting a Losing Battle

"But why would Angelo leave?" asked Amanda. "Did anything happen?" She looked around the upturned house and grimaced. "I mean, other than being attacked by KGB agents?"

"Not that I know of," said Lee, running his hand along the back of his head. "Well, not that I saw for myself anyway." He went on, answering the unspoken question on Amanda's face. "I woke up when I heard Eva on the phone. She was calling his old therapist – she thought he was getting depressed,"

"Really? When I left last night, he seemed fine," she answered, her brow wrinkling.

"Well, maybe she just wanted to nip something in the bud," said Lee, reddening. "She didn't go back to her room after her call… We, um, well we stayed up talking for a while, and then, well, then all hell broke loose. I honestly don't know if he left before those Russians arrived or because he heard them."

"You were talking?" Amanda seized on that word. "Just talking?"

"Yes, just talking!" Lee said defensively, but getting redder by the minute. "Just, you know… reminiscing."

"Could Angelo have heard you? Did he maybe hear something that would make him leave? You know, just misunderstanding something you said…"

The look on Lee's face in the brief second before he looked away, and the way he was grinding his jaw was all she needed to see.

"Oh Lee," she said, disappointed.

"Nothing happened," he muttered. "Her future should be with her husband, not with me."

"Does he know that?" she asked. "Does she?"

"I know it," he answered, still not looking at her.

"Do you?" She wished she could yank the words back, when he finally turned to look at her.

"It's what I tell myself. I can't be the reason she leaves him at a time like this - it would hang over us forever." Catching Amanda's slight grimace, he pressed her. "When you divorced, how did you know it was over?" he asked.

"Oh Lee, please don't." Again the words were out before she could stop them, and he turned away, hunching his shoulders as if they would deflect what she'd said.

"Why not?" he asked, flatly. "If you'd had a second chance to get it right with your ex, wouldn't you have grabbed it?"

"No," she answered equally flatly. "Because I wasn't the one who got it wrong in the first place – and neither were you!"

Lee turned back around and stared at her. "What does that mean?"

Amanda took a deep breath and tried to explain, as gently as she could. "Joe and I loved each other – we still do up to a point – but he chose to pursue a life I didn't want and it drove us apart. Eva must have known the way you felt about her – but she chose to marry Angelo. Now I don't know her reasons and maybe she came to regret that decision, but you need to remember that when she had that choice, it wasn't you she chose."

"You think she regrets it?"

The note of hope in his voice as he seized on exactly the wrong thing almost had her losing her temper with him again. "I said maybe," she replied through gritted teeth. "But since you're going to pick and choose what you want to hear out of what I say, maybe you can pick some of this. I don't think she loves her husband and I don't think she loves you either. To be honest, I think she only looks out for herself and I know I have nothing to really base this on except my gut, but I don't trust her."

There was a long silence while they stared at each other.

"You sound like you're jealous of her," said Lee, finally.

Amanda threw up her hands and walked out. She walked into the living room and picked up a sofa cushion off the floor, punching it back into shape vehemently as she took out her frustrations on it.

"Oh Mandy, you do not need to be the maid," cooed Eva behind as she walked in from the direction of the bedroom. "I'm sure the Agency will send someone to tidy all this up." She looked around at the devastation the Russians had left from their overnight visit.

"Well, I'm here and I'm with the Agency, so I guess that makes me someone they sent!" Amanda answered, in a tone so patently sweet that any of her friends or family would have been diving for cover. It did not escape her notice that while Eva had left earlier to get dressed, she was still wearing Lee's sweater over that very lovely peach lace nightgown and robe and looked like she had taken all that time just to reapply her makeup. Amanda thought back to that evening she'd spent with Lee when they were undercover trying to fool James Delano, and recalled her own flannel nightgown and frumpy robe with an internal sigh.

"Oh yes, you aren't an agent, are you? What did Lee call you? Just a civilian?" Eva was saying now, her eyes wide with apparent artlessness. "And yet you are assigned to such an important task – to teach us about all things average American."

"Yep, that's me!" answered Amanda, with brittle gaiety. "Those agents, you know – they live such glamorous lives that they're not very good at the day-to-day stuff. I mean, I don't know if Lee even knows how to make himself toast for breakfast."

"Oh he doesn't eat breakfast," said Eva. "Or at least, I could never convince him to," she added deliberately.

Amanda gave a small laugh that even she knew sounded forced. "Well, maybe he'll want some of the poppy seed cake I brought this morning. I know he has a sweet tooth at least."

"That is true," replied Eva as she drifted toward the kitchen – and Lee. "I should ask him if there is anywhere in Washington to get gelato as good as that we shared in Venice…"

She disappeared from view and Amanda took the opportunity to close her eyes and breathe deeply, trying to resist the temptation to throw something in the direction Eva had gone.

"What a witch," remarked Efraim from the front door. Amanda jumped – she'd been so intent on her conversation with Eva, she hadn't heard him arrive.

"I'm sure it's the language barrier," she answered. "I'm sure she didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"Oh yes, she did," said Efraim dryly.

"You're right, she did," agreed Amanda, laughing this time with real humor as Efraim grinned at her. "I know I should be giving her the benefit of the doubt – all those months in prison, and then coming to start a new life and not knowing anyone but Lee… I mean, obviously you're going to gravitate toward people you know, aren't you?"

"If you'd seen her 'gravitate' toward me when she knew I was the one to clear her to be released from custody the other day, you'd think I was a black hole," Efrain answered. "I've been hit on with more subtlety by the hookers down on 14th Street."

"That bad?" asked Amanda. "Maybe she's just naturally friendly…."

"To people she thinks can help her? Sure," said Efraim, nodding.

"I'm surprised to hear you say all that. Men seem to find her attractive," said Amanda, turning to begin straightening up the room again.

"She made the mistake of letting me see her real self before she turned those baby blues on me," he shrugged as he started to help. "Besides, I prefer blondes. And women who don't make their appearance quite so much of a priority."

Amanda stopped dead and turned to him. "What do you mean? Francine is always turned out beautifully."

"Yes, she is, but she also has her head screwed on right. Eva claims to have raced right to America with help from dissidents, but she didn't come empty-handed." Off Amanda's inquiring look, Efraim shrugged again. "We went through her bag when she got here as part of the security check. Who escapes from a Russian prison and shows up with a bag full of lacy lingerie?"

"She came with that? She didn't buy it here?" asked Amanda.

"Oh no – she must have stopped to shop along the way, because it was all European brands."

"What else did she have?" Amanda asked. There had been something gnawing at her and she felt like the reason behind that was going to be in his answer.

"Just the usual girl stuff," said Efraim. He closed his eyes and recited," One nightgown and robe, peach silk, new; matching underwear and bras sets, silk, seven pairs; lipstick, Chanel, Sunrise Desire, half tube; bath beads, Chanel, Rose, half bottle; jeans, Levis, wearing out at cuffs, one…"

"You really do remember the weirdest things," smiled Amanda.

"It's a gift and a curse all rolled up into one," he smiled back. "Anyway, you wouldn't think a woman who was desperate to reunite with her husband would stop to clear out the duty free on her way here, would you?"

"No, you wouldn't, would you?" she replied slowly. There it was again – that little something that was itching at the edge of her consciousness but she just couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Maybe that's why Angelo disappeared," said Amanda slowly. "Maybe he saw something in her that we haven't because prison changed her…"

"Maybe. But wouldn't Lee notice it too?" he pointed out. "Francine told me they used to be… close."

Amanda had caught that pause and knew he'd stopped himself from saying 'lovers'.

"If he was himself, he might," she said sadly. "But he's out of whack with everything that's happened and she's been going out of her way to keep him distracted."

"Ah. Gotcha,"Efraim nodded. "Speaking from experience, men can be dumb that way."

Amanda shook herself. "So what brings you here this morning anyway?"

"Billy thought that since I did her security check when she arrived, she'd appreciate a familiar face for her interview about what happened last night." Off Amanda's grimace, he continued, "Is there something I should know?"

"I don't _know_ anything for certain, but you should talk to Lee first," she hedged.

"Any particular reason?" Efraim gave her a searching look.

"I think… well, there could be any number of reasons Angelo left," she said turning away to continue tidying so that she didn't have to look him in the eyes.

"I see," he said in a noncommittal tone. "That's good advice, actually. Might be better to hear what the agent on duty has to say first."

Amanda watched as he strolled past her and into the kitchen. She bit her lip, hoping that she hadn't just landed Lee in a lot more trouble than he was already.


	6. No Love Lost

Efraim was quick to notice that Lee was - completely uncharacteristically – elbow deep in the soapy water in the sink, head down, scrubbing furiously at what appeared to be a perfectly clean plate. Eva was leaning on the counter, a little too close, and looking a little too bright and cheerful for someone whose husband was missing.

"Good morning," he drawled, watching the back of Lee's neck redden and Eva step away from him furtively.

"Ah, Agent Beaman, is it not?" she said. "How nice to see you again."

"I trust you're settling in comfortably?" asked Efraim affably. "I'm sure Mrs. King has been very helpful getting you up to speed."

"Oh yes, Mandy is very sweet," cooed Eva. "And so very domestic."

"I agree. Amanda's ability to move between the world of intelligence gathering and a regular home life has made her very useful on many occasions," nodded Efraim. "Her perception and empathy are attributes we value very much. Isn't that right, Scarecrow?"

"Yes," agreed Lee, tersely. "She's very good at what she does."

"Yes indeed, she often sees things we miss." Efraim paused to let that shot go home, then continued. "I came to interview you about last night," he said. "But I see you haven't even had a chance to get dressed yet. I'll just wait here with Lee while you do that."

"Oh yes, I suppose this isn't quite what I should be wearing with all these men in the house, is it?" said Eva, preening slightly.

"And Mrs. King," replied Efraim politely. "She's here as well."

There was a long silence while Eva glanced between the two men, but Lee wouldn't meet her gaze and Efraim kept his expression neutral.

"I'll be back in a moment," she said finally, turning away with a swish of silk and more than a tinge of sulk.

"How are you doing?" Efraim asked Lee after she'd left. "Didn't get roughed up to badly, I hope?"

"I'll live," said Lee, finally lifting the dish out of the water and dropping it on the drying rack. "I wish I knew where Angelo went though."

"Does Eva wish that too?"

Lee turned and looked daggers at him. "What does that mean?"

Efraim shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. She just seems pretty relaxed about all this."

"She's worried," Lee defended her. "She's probably just used to hiding it after all those months in prison."

"Or she's just cool because of her vampire blood," joked Efraim.

"Her what?" Lee's confusion was clear.

"Vampires, Transylvania- you know?" said Efraim.

"I know that, but what does that have to do with Eva?"

"Well, she's Romanian – that's where Transylvania is."

"She's not Romanian – she's Italian," replied Lee, leaning back against the counter as he dried his hands.

"Her father was Italian," Efraim corrected him. "But her mother is Romanian."

"Was," said Lee, processing this new information. "Her mother died when she was young."

"Not according to her file," said Efraim. "It says her mother moved back to Bucharest after her father died and is still alive. In his briefing, Spinelli says that's who got them the job offer in Moscow."

"Well, you must have remembered that wrong," Lee frowned.

Efraim just lifted an eyebrow and waited. Lee grunted as he realized how ridiculous a statement that was.

"I'm sure she said both her parents were dead," Lee muttered to himself.

"It was a long time ago," replied Efraim. "Hard to remember all the details. Or so I'm told."

"Yeah, maybe," said Lee grudgingly.

"Anyway, we still need to figure out where Spinelli's gone," said Efraim, getting them back on topic. "So what happened last night?"

He didn't miss the way Lee glanced unconsciously in the direction Eva had left.

* * *

In the master bedroom, Amanda was picking up the laundry from the previous evening from the heap it was left in when the Russians had dumped everything out the night before. She had just slid the middle drawer back in the dresser when Eva arrived.

"Oh Mandy, you don't need to be doing that!" she exclaimed.

"Well, it's hardly any trouble," answered Amanda. "It's not like either of you were able to bring much with you from Russia after all." She stepped back and shoved her hands in her pockets as Eva approached and began to straighten out the contents of the open drawer.

"Well, you are very kind. I'm sure I won't know how we'll cope without you!" said Eva.

"I'll make sure to get you details on how to find a maid service," said Amanda sweetly. "But perhaps we should concentrate on finding your husband first."

"Yes," said Eva, looking around the room as if she expected Angelo to materialize. "I cannot imagine why he would have run off like that."

"He must have had a reason," Amanda pointed out. "But this must all be so overwhelming for him. And for you," she added as an obvious afterthought.

"Yes, yes it is," Eva nodded. "It is so wonderful we have friends like Lee here to help us."

"Well, I'm sure Lee will do whatever it takes to find Angelo and bring him back home to you," said Amanda. She wanted desperately to see any sign in Eva's expression that she was honestly worried about her husband, but at the moment, all her focus appeared to be on picking out an outfit.

"Yes, I'm sure he will," said Eva absently, holding up a turtleneck in front of her and assessing herself in the mirror.

"I'll leave you to get dressed," said Amanda quietly.

"I would love some coffee if you are going back to the kitchen," said Eva over her shoulder. "That man with the glasses looks like he might bore me to death with his questions."

"No problem," sighed Amanda.

* * *

Both men looked up when she walked back in, breaking off their conversation.

"Mrs. Spinelli will be right with you, Efraim," she announced. "Lee, can I talk to you, please? Outside?

"Yeah, sure," he answered cautiously, following her to the back door. He glanced at Efraim who met his gaze with a shrug suggesting he didn't know what she wanted either.

Once outside, Amanda walked across the grass and stared down at the pile of leaves Angelo had raked up the day before.

"What's up?" asked Lee.

"I was straightening up in the bedroom just now," she began. "And something Efraim said was bothering me and I… well, I don't think Eva is being entirely truthful with us."

Lee straightened up, ready to defend her. "Look, we've already established you don't like her, so whatever little woman's intuition thing you're out to spout off is just going to make you sound worse than her."

"Maybe," agreed Amanda, trying to control her expression. "But don't you think it's odd that she showed up with a full wardrobe?"

"A full wardrobe?" Lee stared at her in bemusement. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"She said she came her as soon as she escaped from prison," said Amanda, doggedly. "But she came with more than just the shirt on her back and she has a half-used lipstick."

"You've lost me," said Lee.

"Lipsticks last a long time," explained Amanda. "Even if you use them every day, it takes a few months for them to wear down to halfway."

"So?"

"So she says she's only just escaped. Did she have it in prison with her?" she asked with clear skepticism.

"Maybe one of the people who helped her escape gave it to her," suggested Lee. "Come on, Amanda – that's what you dragged me out here to tell me?"

"No, I asked you out here to tell you that she has a gun," she replied and watched his eyes widen. "I was putting away the laundry and it's hidden at the back of her drawers. I thought you should know."

"Well, that could be Angelo's," Lee blustered.

"It could be, but it was in her drawer," said Amanda. "Right next to the half-used up bottle of bath beads," she added.

Lee scowled at her implication and crossed his arms. "So you're adding two and two and getting what?"

"I just think it's possible she's not being completely honest about when she got away," Amanda explained. "To me, it looks like maybe she got away a while ago. Maybe she was trying to start a new life and then heard Angelo had escaped too. She must have known we'd give him asylum here and that she'd be better off with him here than hiding out in Europe on her own."

"You really think she's that cold-hearted?" asked Lee in disbelief. "You dislike her that much after one day?"

"I think she doesn't seem that upset that her husband is missing," she shot back. "And yet yesterday, Francine said she drove them crazy with wanting to see him." She crossed her arms and gave a half-shrug. "I just find it all very odd. And don't you think it's very coincidental that she showed up almost immediately after Angelo?"

"Okay, Nancy Drew, you can put away your magnifying glass now," said Lee. "And you can quit trying to knit all those little bits together into something suspicious. So what if there's a coincidence or two? How often have we had a coincidence lead us to the right answer or into the middle of a case? It happens."

"Well, I just thought you should know about the gun anyway." Amanda hunched her shoulders and headed back inside. "You know I don't like them."

"Oh, believe me, I know," said Lee under his breath.

Eva and Efraim looked up from their seats at the kitchen table as Lee and Amanda walked back inside. Eva looked annoyed at the sight of them together, and Amanda tried to hide her satisfaction at that.

"Good timing," said Efraim, standing up. "Mrs. Spinelli has given me a list of names of people Angelo might contact: professors, publishers and whatnot. I'll head back to the office and get people working on checking in with them."

"And we'll go look around the area," said Lee. "Maybe Eva will be able to think of somewhere he might have gone. You can stay here in case he comes back, can't you, Amanda?"

She pasted a smile on. "Yes, of course."

Lee smiled with relief. "Let's go, Eva."


	7. Losing Faith

They'd been criss-crossing the neighborhood for an hour but Eva still hadn't come up with one idea about where her husband might have gone.

"How about Carmine's Pizza? Maybe he's homesick for Italian food," Lee suggested.

Eva shook her head. "Angelo does not eat pizza. After fourteen months of stale cabbage soup, his stomach is touchy."

Lee thought back to the gusto with which Angelo had eaten his burger the day he arrived, but remembered Eva hadn't been there to see that. She was probably projecting her own experiences with prison food onto him, he decided.

"Eva, how did the two of you survive that hell?" he asked, curious.

"Angelo survived by forcing his mind to see beyond his prison. I survived by remembering I could still be the same woman that you remember. And that spring when we met." She turned a limpid yearning gaze on Lee and for a brief second, his heart seized, thinking of their kisses the night before. In the next moment, he remembered Amanda's warnings that she was hiding something and tried to act objective.

"Oh, I stopped thinking about those days and what might have been. There's no point to it," he said in a light tone.

Eva sat silently for a moment, then gave a seductive laugh and laid her hand on his where it rested on the stickshift. "Have you changed so, Lee? What happened to the man who I waltzed with on the banks of the canals in Venice, in the rain?"

Lee chuckled in self-deprecation. "Dancing's not so good along the Potomac. There's too many tourists."

"More than Venice? That seems difficult to believe," she smiled.

"You never said," he changed the subject idly. "How did you end up in Moscow anyway?"

"They made a tempting offer. Angelo was keen to accept it," she said with a flash of annoyance that he had changed the subject.

"You didn't want to go?"

"There was nothing for me behind the Iron Curtain," she replied, turning to stare out the window.

"I'm surprised you went though. I wouldn't have thought you'd want to start a family in those conditions."

"Oh, that did not bother me," she said. "Angelo was enough work for me to look after – children would have been an unwelcome distraction." She gave a brittle laugh. "Unlike Mandy, I have never been one to desire being a housewife, I'm afraid."

Lee gave her a quizzical look. "Really? I always thought you wanted to have a big family."

"Did you?" she laughed again. "I'm sure I wouldn't have the faintest idea where to begin, having grown up with no mother myself."

"I thought…" Lee stopped, his eye caught by something in his side mirror. There was a car following them – a dark sedan he was certain he'd seen before.

"Is something wrong?" asked Eva.

"No… no, nothing," he answered.

* * *

"Francine? I think I know where Angelo went. I mean I don't know where he was all night, but I think I know where he's headed. The ad on the fridge is ripped."

"I just know this is going somewhere," sighed Francine. "Can we cut to the chase?"

Amanda pressed her fingers to her forehead. "I'm sorry. I know I need to stop doing that. Liberty Larry's!" she rushed to say as Francine gave off an annoyed sound. "He's gone to Liberty Larry's to buy a car!"

"I'll get a team there right away," said Francine.

"No, wait," said Amanda immediately. "Let me go over there first. We don't know why he ran away. If he's frightened of something, and you go running in with an army of people…"

"You think he won't run from you?" asked Francine. "He knows you're with us."

"He does, but he knows I'm his friend too," Amanda answered softly. "He knows me."

"He's known you one day!" exclaimed Francine.

"What can I say?" Amanda replied. "His ESP is very good – that's why everyone wants him right?"

"You think he trusts you that much?" Francine was still skeptical.

"I think he knows I don't trust Eva – and I think she's the reason he left. He was fine when I left last night, but I know he saw what I saw at dinner last night."

"Which was what?"

"That she still wanted Lee. That she wasn't making any effort to hide it. I think he knew their time apart had changed her somehow. I think maybe he's just gone off to get his head together."

She could hear Francine clicking her pen over and over while she thought about that.

"Fine," she said eventually. "I'll bring a team, but we'll keep you under distance surveillance until you signal that it's okay to show ourselves."

Amanda gave a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Francine."

She hung up, then grabbed her coat. She was almost out the door before she remembered. Running back to the phone, she quickly recorded a coded message for Lee, in case he called in, then headed out to her car.


	8. Can't Face Losing You

It was like some kind of out of body experience, he thought, facing down the gun that was pointed at him. It didn't even strike him as odd that his first thought was _Why is Amanda always right about these things? _followed immediately by the clinical observation that Eva's hands were steady. _Amanda's hands would be shaking. Eva's handling it like a pro._

"Look, if I don't get to them, the KGB will," he cajoled her. She might not be happy in her marriage but surely she didn't want Angelo dragged back to Moscow?

Eva nodded. "I know."

That was when he finally let all the tiny doubts come home to roost. "That was all part of the plan, wasn't it?"

"To let you lead us to Angelo? Yes," she nodded again. "Get rid of your gun." When he reached for it, she added, "Slowly, Lee. Don't be a fool."

He did as she asked, holding it out with a resigned look, and watched her toss it away, out of reach below a pile of cars. A flicker of movement caught his eye over her shoulder and he relaxed slightly as he saw Francine appear from around the corner of the trailer that doubled as the office, but then the sound of gunfire erupted behind him and knew he needed to keep Eva distracted for long enough for the rest of her team to get there.

"I don't think you could kill someone that loved you," he said, moving toward his ex-lover.

Eva shook her head. "I was never as romantic as you. Not another step, Lee," she went on as he moved closer.

He was sure he could hear a tinge of doubt in her voice and worked to exploit it.

"Can you forget Venice, Eva? Just like that?" he asked softly, gazing into her eyes. Part of him still hoping that it was her time in Russian prison that had made her this person, that if he could just find the right words, the woman he'd loved would still respond.

Her hand tightened around the trigger as Lee deliberately took one step forward.

"_Cara_," he murmured, holding out his hand, then froze as she fired.

His first thought was that getting shot usually hurt a lot more; it took him the space of two heartbeats to realize that her gun hadn't fired at all. The look of panic on her face as she tried to fire again turned to fury as he stepped close enough to snatch the gun out of her hand.

"You knew it wasn't loaded!" she spat out.

"No, I didn't," he said, furious as the last veil lifted and he saw her for what she truly was. "I should have listened to Amanda - she knew you were bad news."

Eva came at him then, scratching and kicking and cursing at him, until he managed to get her in a half-nelson and marched her toward a nearby junked car. He lifted her, but managed to restrain himself from actually throwing her, into the trunk before slamming its lid down on her. He leaned on it, breathing heavily for a moment, before turning to look for Amanda.

Francine's team had swarmed the place and although he could see the two KGB agents from the night before being cuffed, he still couldn't see Amanda anywhere. The pinprick of worry exploded as he realized he also couldn't see Magovich, the woman who had been in charge the night before. He began to move toward the mass of agents, moving faster as he realized Francine was also looking around in confusion.

Then he heard it – a bloodcurdling scream of pure fear. He began to run as everyone whipped around to face the direction of the sound. It felt like everything had gone into slow motion – his eye following the crusher to the woman standing at its controls and the last glimpse of Amanda's terror-stricken face as she disappeared beneath the window frame, obviously trying to escape her imminent death.

Because he was already in motion, Lee reached Magovich first, catching her around the waist and throwing her to the ground before turning to slam the off button and bring the crusher to a halt. Everyone else had caught up to him at that point and he left Dick and Fred to cuff the older woman as he scrambled across the piles of junk to reach the almost flattened car.

He was too late. There was no other way to explain the eerie silence after the machine stopped. He pulled himself up and looked inside; Amanda and Angelo were hunched down, both pale and eyes closed and his heart lurched.

"Oh God," he whispered. "Amanda."

Her eyelids fluttered and opened and then her big brown eyes were looking up at him in confusion.

"Am I dead?" she asked.

Lee let out a bark of laughter in relief as he sagged against the window frame. "No, you're not dead," he reassured her.

Angelo let off a small groan and opened his eyes as well, staring up at the car roof that was only an inch or two from his nose. "I do not think I am dead either," he said. "Something is pinching my feet and I don't think it would hurt this much if I was dead."

Lee turned and bellowed for help before turning back and reaching in to grasp Amanda's hand. "How about you? You okay?" he asked gently.

She gave an experimental wriggle. "I think so?" she answered. "I'm just stuck, I think. I can feel my toes and fingers, so that's good, right?"

"Yes, that's good," Lee sighed with relief.

The junkyard crew had arrived with crowbars and began to lever the roof off. In a few minutes, they had managed to bend it back enough for Lee to wrap his arms around Amanda and pull her out. They stood clinging to each other while the crew continued to work on freeing Angelo.

"I'm so sorry," she said, into his shoulder.

Lee pulled back, keeping his hands on her upper arms and stared in disbelief, until she looked up. "You're sorry? For what?"

"I was supposed to stay at the house. They probably followed me here. I almost got Angelo killed because I didn't follow procedure," she finished wretchedly.

"Amanda, you did nothing wrong," he consoled her. "In fact, you did a lot of things right." He gestured around them. "You obviously called Francine, so you didn't come on your own. You left that message for me so that we could find you too. That was all procedure. You couldn't know those guys would figure it out too."

"Really?" she said hopefully.

"Really," he nodded. "You did good."

"Thank you." She ducked her head, blushing, then looked up and around. "Where's Eva?" She saw the grim expression on his face and went pale. "Oh no! Lee! Is she okay?"

"Oh, she's fine," he said ironically. "But you were right. She was working with them," he nodded at the Russians who were being pushed into Agency cars.

"Oh no," she murmured. "That's awful."

"That's another thing you did right," he sighed. When Amanda looked at him inquiringly, he went on. "You took the bullets out of her gun, didn't you?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "You know I think they're a dangerous thing to have in the house…" Her voice drifted off as she realized what he must mean. "Oh Lee, she didn't!"

"Try to shoot me? Oh yeah," he nodded.

"Oh Lee, I'm so sorry."

"Well, there's a bright side," he said with a sarcastic shrug. "I definitely know it's over now."

"Oh."

There was the sound of crunching metal behind them and a shout of satisfaction and they turned in unison to see Angelo being helped from the wreckage.

"Angelo! Are you alright?" Amanda rushed forward.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he reassured her as he limped forward. The car seat was pressing down on my foot, but that is all." He reached to embrace her. "I am so sorry that I put you in such danger."

"It's okay," she said. "It wasn't your fault."

"Angelo? Let's go get you checked out," said Lee. "And we, uh, we need to talk."

"About my wife being KGB?" Angelo asked with a wry look. He nodded when he saw their expressions. "That is why I left last night. I heard her speaking on the telephone. I picked up the extension. My time in Moscow has left me suspicious, you know? She was speaking to her associates. Telling them where I was…"

"Why didn't you come find me?" asked Lee.

"By the time I was over the shock, she had joined you in the living room." As Lee closed his eyes with a pained expression, Angelo gave a small shrug. "It seemed better to leave."

"I am so sorry," Lee said. "I…"

"Eva is very difficult to resist," said Angelo. "No one knows that better than I, hmm?"

A medic approached and ushered him away, leaving Lee and Amanda alone.

"Where is Eva anyway?" asked Amanda gazing around. "Did they take her away already?"

Lee straightened up, startled. "Oh boy. I left her locked in a car trunk somewhere."

They both stared back across the junkyard.

"Do you remember which one?" asked Amanda, biting her lip and sounding like she was trying not to laugh.

"Yeah," said Lee with grim humor. "But you know what? I think it just might take me a little while longer to find it."

* * *

Despite his threat, Lee actually did point someone from Francine's team to the right car, but held back as they freed his ex-lover.

From her vantage point by Larry's office, Amanda watched as Eva was helped out of the trunk, looking rumpled and annoyed. She wished for a moment that she didn't feel quite so much satisfaction at the sight, but then she glanced over to where Lee was also watching and her heart hardened.

"Amanda," he said, suddenly. "Can you, uh, wait here for a minute? I just need to, uh..?" He gestured toward the squad car Eva was being marched toward. He gave her a quick look. "Don't worry. I just have to ask her something."

Amanda nodded, trying not to show what a bad idea she thought it was. Lee saw it anyway and acknowledged it with a rueful smile

"Really," he said. "Just one more question."

He left her watching, his hands clenched as he approached Eva and obviously asked the accompanying officer for a moment alone. She could see the tension in his posture shift to something else as he leaned on the car alongside Eva. Whatever it was he asked, when Eva answered, there was a look on his face that Amanda couldn't interpret, a mix of pain and resignation as if she was simply confirming something for him and then she turned to Lee and said something that had him recoiling, raw pain on his face and he instantly looked across the junkyard to meet Amanda's eyes.

It took everything in Amanda to keep from moving towards them, to do something to help Lee, even though she had no idea what was wrong, but when she took a step forward, he shook his head with the tiniest motion and she stopped. She watched as Eva turned to get in the car and then paused to add something else that had Lee go pale and shake his head as he obviously disagreed with whatever she'd said.

He stepped back from the squad car and watched it drive away, before his shoulders dropped and he paced back to where Amanda waited.

"Are you okay? What did she say?" she asked.

"She told me…" Lee paused and shook his head. He put his arm around Amanda's shoulders and began to guide her back to her own car. "She told me what I needed to hear."

"Are you okay?" Amanda asked again. "You didn't look like you liked what you heard."

Lee gave her a sad smile. "I didn't say I liked it, I said I needed to hear it."

They'd reached her car and he turned to face her, taking her hands in his and staring down at them for a moment before looking up to meet her eyes. "It's over, Amanda. I know that now. And yes, I'm okay." He paused and gave a laughing groan. "Well, I will be okay. I promise," he added when it looked like she was going to press the issue. "Now look, you need to go back to the Agency and give your report on your side of stuff, while I stay here and make sure this all gets tidied up. I'm going to call Billy and ask if you can stay with Angelo after you're both done – is that okay with you? I think he'll need someone he trusts."

Amanda nodded. "Of course, that's okay. The poor man…"

"He's a smart guy," said Lee. "He knew to trust you right away." He smiled when Amanda ducked her head with embarrassment. "While I, on the other hand… I didn't. I should have listened to you and I didn't."

"Oh Lee," she murmured. "It's okay, I understand."

"It's not okay," he replied, squeezing her hands and then letting them go. "But for now, I can't think about that until I get all this cleaned up." He looked around with a grimace. He opened her car door and waited until she was settled inside before shutting her car door and leaning down to look through the window. "We'll talk, I promise."

"You don't have to- "

"We'll talk," he said firmly. "Tomorrow."

Amanda studied his face, then nodded. "Tomorrow."


	9. Found in Translation

In fact, most of the next day passed before she saw Lee again.

After giving her report to Billy, she'd been cleared to stay with Angelo as they started from scratch setting up a new life for him. To Amanda's surprise, the idea of setting him up with a new identity had been scrapped entirely. It seems someone had finally seen the wisdom of simple honesty – his arrival in the U.S. was being trumpeted on the front pages of every paper, along with the fact that he'd escaped the Soviet Union with the help of dissidents.

The Soviet Embassy had issued a statement, of course, suggesting that Mr. Spinelli had been free to leave at any time, but they had undercut their own believability by adding an apology for the "rogue elements" of the KGB who had been arrested trying to murder him and an unnamed civilian the day before. Even the employees of the junkyard had been interviewed by the local papers, adding their eyewitness statements to the whole thing. It seemed that Angelo would be protected by the fact that it was in everyone's political interests for him to remain safely in the public eye of America.

Eventually someone came to escort him to a new safehouse and although Amanda offered to accompany him, he refused her gently.

"I think I need to start depending on myself, no? I let myself grow dependent in Eva and it would be very easy to let myself fall back into that." He took her hand between his. "That is not to say I want to lose your friendship, Amanda. You are a bright soul and I would very much like us to remain friends."

"Of course," she answered. "I'd like that too."

"But my new life will be in California," he shrugged. "I must learn to be alone again."

"Oh, you won't be alone," protested Amanda. "You'll make friends, I know you will!"

"If the people I meet are as open as you, yes I think I will," he nodded. "I know that many people think my ESP studies are foolish, and they will think so especially after I was duped so badly by Eva." He reached up and tapped his temple. "But I do not need ESP to see you are special, Amanda. And I think Lee sees that too."

"Oh, Angelo, I'm not special, I'm just… ordinary," Amanda blushed.

Angelo laughed heartily. "No, Amanda, you are not." He held open his arms. "But you do need to return to your ordinary life. Let us say goodbye now."

She stepped willingly into his embrace and hugged him tightly. "You know we'll be here any time you need us – you just call Lee and me for anything."

"I know that – but I shall endeavour not to call," he chuckled. He leaned in and kissed her on both cheeks. "Goodbye, Amanda. And thank you." He gave a chuckle. "You are so well named, my dear." He chuckled again when she looked confused, then he stepped back and looked past her. "And goodbye to you also, Lee."

Amanda turned to find that Lee had joined them at some point. He held out his hand to Angelo with a warm smile. "I'm glad I caught you before you left. Amanda is right – if you need anything at all, you call me, okay?"

Angelo took Lee's outstretched hand and shook it firmly between his own. "Of course. Keep well, my friend."

Lee and Amanda stood side by side and watched as Angelo was escorted out of the bullpen and off to his new life, before turning to look at each other.

"So-" they began in unison and then began to laugh.

"You first," said Amanda, finally.

"I was wondering… I know you've hardly been home for the last couple of days," Lee began. "But I was wondering if maybe you could…" He paused and ran his hand along the back of his head, flushing slightly.

"If I could what?" she encouraged him.

"If you could give me another couple of hours?" he asked. "Just to go grab something to eat and talk."

"Of course, I can," she said with a bright smile. "Just give me a minute to phone my mother and let her know, okay?"

Lee nodded, smiling in relief. "Of course. I just need to ask Beaman something anyway." He wandered off to where Efraim was chatting with Francine at her desk.

"Hey, you know a lot of weird things," he said to him. "What does the name Amanda mean?"

"Worthy of love," answered Francine before Efraim could even open his mouth.

"How do you know that so fast?" Lee asked, surprised.

"It's the first thing I check when I meet someone," said Francine. "That and their star sign. Gemini. Cancer," she added, pointing to each of them in turn. "Names and star signs are very important for understanding the personalities of people you're around all the time."

Efraim and Lee looked at each other and grinned.

"Especially when the sun spots are in Uranus," muttered Efraim as Lee stifled a laugh and Francine glared.

"Why do you want to know anyway? What her name means?" she asked turning to Lee.

"Oh just something Angelo said about her name suiting her," he answered, looking across the room. "I guess he was right." Amanda looked up from her phone call home and her face broke into a smile as their eyes met and he found himself grinning back at her.

Behind his back Francine and Efraim exchanged a smile of their own.

* * *

Across the bullpen, Amanda had walked to her desk and dialled home. "Hi Mother!" she said cheerfully when Dotty answered.

"You're phoning to tell me you're not home for dinner again, aren't you?" said Dotty with audible irritation. "Amanda! You know I like to have more warning than this! I've already started to prepare it!"

"Well, yes I am, Mother, I'm sorry, but I won't be very late, I promise. Maybe you could invite Dr. Bain over since now you'll have extra?" Amanda suggested.

"I suppose I could," conceded Dotty, sounding more cheerful. "Now, are you going to tell me what's so important that you won't be home for the second time this week?"

"I've been asked to dinner with… a colleague," Amanda hedged.

She could practically hear her mother straightening up, all interest now. "A colleague?"

"Yes…" Amanda looked over to where Lee was now leaning back on Francine's desk, watching her and smiling contentedly. "Yes, Lee was transferred back to Washington and he asked if I'd bring him up to speed on the current projects."

"He's back?" Dotty squealed with excitement. "Oh how wonderful!"

"Yes, it is, Mother," Amanda said, her own smile broadening at her mother's enthusiasm.

"Oh well, that puts a whole different spin on it, Darling. You just stay out as long as you need to, uh, how did you put it? 'Bring him up to speed on projects'?" Dotty let out an unladylike snort. "More like catching up on all the office gossip he's missed."

"Thank you, Mother. I'm sure I won't be late," said Amanda, pointedly ignoring her mother's comments.

"Well, I wouldn't blame you if you were," said Dotty candidly. "It should be criminal for a man to have such beautiful eyes!"

Unable to resist, Amanda looked around again, only to find Lee had walked up beside her. She sighed at the sight of those eyes twinkling at her. "Yes, Mother. Goodbye, Mother." She hung up the phone and picked up her coat. "I'm ready. Let's go."

* * *

It wasn't long until they were settled in a booth at the back of a nearby restaurant. Amanda had expected a simple trip to Monk's or Ned's since those were Lee's usual hangouts, but it seemed he wanted to go somewhere with less likelihood of interruption.

"You sure you're happy with just a burger?" he asked with concern after they'd ordered. "I'm happy for you to order whatever you want."

"And what I want is a burger," she said. "After all," she joked, "You owe me one remember? That raincheck before you left for Sri Lanka?"

She'd meant it to just be a bit of teasing, but to her dismay, his face went blank with shock.

"I forgot," he said, shaken. "I promised you lunch as soon as I got home and I completely forgot. I just went straight into this whole mess."

"Oh Lee, I didn't mean that to upset you – honestly, I thought that's why you asked me here." She reached out to rest her hand on top of his, worried that she'd obviously upset him.

"No, that wasn't why," he replied, looking up at her. "I asked you here because I wanted to apologize to you."

"Apologize? What for?" she asked, honestly confused. "I mean, you weren't the one who tried to crush me in a car, so you don't need to be sorry about that."

"Amanda!" he held up a hand, laughing. "It's not that either! Although I am sorry you ended up in the middle of that."

"So if it's not about that, what is this about?" she asked, watching him tense again slightly at her question.

"I guess… I guess it's about me and Eva. And me and you," Lee said, looking uncomfortable.

"Yeah?" she said, heart sinking.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I wanted to explain." He paused, lacing his fingers together and staring down at them with a frown.

"You don't have to," she tried to let him off the hook.

"No, I do," Lee insisted. "I haven't treated you very well this week. To be honest, I'm not even sure why you're still speaking to me after some of the stuff I said."

Amanda gave a light shrug. "People say stuff when they're under stress. And you were definitely under stress."

"I was," he nodded. "But it was mostly self-inflicted because I wouldn't listen to you. And despite that, you kept trying to be a good friend to me - more than I deserved."

"That's not true," she replied quietly. "You're a good person and I wanted to help."

"I know." Lee dropped his head to try and hide his ashamed look. "Your friendship is important to me but I know that sometimes I take advantage of it." he glanced up and gave her an apologetic look.

Amanda nodded again, not to agree with him but because she didn't want to say anything.

"But I learned something important this week and that's what I want to explain." He took a deep breath. "So you know Eva and I were involved back in Italy."

"Mmm-hmm. You wanted to marry her," Amanda stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to marry the woman I thought she was," he grimaced. "But that woman never existed."

"You don't think her time in prison just changed her?" asked Amanda sympathetically. "That they brainwashed her or something?"

"Oh no, she made that pretty clear when I talked to her yesterday," he said with a wry look. "She'd been after Angelo for the Russians the whole time and I just got caught in the net along with him. She used his jealousy of me to get him to propose."

"Oh Lee, that's awful," she commiserated.

"Yeah, well, even back then, there was a lot of things I should have picked up on and didn't," he admitted.

"You were in love," Amanda said softly.

"Yeah." Lee's eyes met her and held them. "I was." He looked away again, but not before she saw the flicker of pain there.

"But it's over right? That's what you said. So that's…" she trailed off.

"Yeah, but not before I acted like an idiot again, and like I said, I was pretty awful to you along the way," he answered.

"It's okay. I understand," she said.

"No, it's not okay, Amanda..." Lee sighed and shook his head as if to clear it. "Let me just get this out, okay?"

Amanda nodded.

"So the thing is… when we had our fight a few weeks ago, you know…about me not telling you my death was fake..." He looked up to check, but Amanda's face was expressionless. "Well I was sorry, you know I was sorry! I hated that I'd upset you. But I didn't get it – I didn't really understand why you were so angry at me. I mean, you know what I do, you know why I do it, you help me do it – so why were you so angry? I didn't understand it at all." He held up a hand when it looked like she was going to interrupt. "No, hang on, I'm getting there."

He gave her a brief smile that she returned, then he began again.

"So when I came back, I was looking forward to seeing you and trying to get back on our old footing and then, bam! Everything hit me at once. Angelo was there and when I first walked in, I thought it was Eva with him."

Amanda nodded. "The dark hair," she murmured with a look that said she'd suddenly made sense of something.

"Right," he agreed. "So I was already off kilter and then Angelo said she was dead and I just kind of lost it." He gave a little frown. "And you were right – I should have stayed away from the whole thing, but I just couldn't, you know? Angelo was my last connection to her, the last connection who knew both of us."

Amanda nodded.

"She was one of the few people who I had ever told who I really was. And it didn't seem to bother her – she didn't treat me differently at all."

_Not like I did, _Amanda thought guiltily.

"Of course now I know why it didn't bother her," he added. "And why it looked like she chose Angelo over me." He shook his head as if he couldn't believe his own naiveté. "But when she showed up alive, and I didn't know any of that, well, it just seemed like anything was possible. I'd lost her twice and she came back. And she acted like she'd missed me just as much. She told me she wasn't in love with Angelo anymore and let me think we could have a future."

Amanda stared down at the table, hoping Lee wouldn't read anything on her face.

"I know, I know. You told me so," he teased. "You've probably already thought that."

Her head shot up, in time for his self-deprecating shrug "I didn't! I mean, I just…"

"You just didn't trust her," he nodded. "I should have listened."

"I'm sorry," said Amanda feeling a bit helpless in the face of so much pain on his face.

"Nothing for you to be sorry for. But let me finish. So you know how I went to talk to her yesterday when it was all over? I wanted to ask her something."

"If she really loved you," Amanda blurted out.

Lee nodded. "Uh-huh. But also I needed to know if that had always been the plan. When we were driving around yesterday, she said a few things – things that I knew weren't true, or things that contradicted what she'd told me about herself back in Italy… and I realized that she'd been lying all the time, right from the first time I met her."

"But you still hoped you'd meant something to her."

Lee nodded. "It was all mixed up in my head, you know? You being mad at me for acting like an agent, her not being bothered by it… thinking that she loved me even with all my faults and still loving me even though she knew my whole act there was a cover. And I guess I just wanted to think that I hadn't been a fool, that she hadn't been acting and hadn't taken advantage of how I felt about her."

Amanda winced and he reached to take her hand.

"And you know what she said to me?" He gave off a small snort. "She said… 'Of course I cared for you but this had nothing to do with you,'" he paused for effect, "and then she said, 'It was just politics'."

Amanda closed her eyes. "Oh Lee, no."

Lee chuckled. "Oh yes. Hoist on my own petard. Pretty ironic, huh? I mean, she even faked her death the same way I did!"

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "That's awful."

"Well, it should have been," he agreed. "And it was. But remember how I said she told me what I needed to hear? I needed to hear that."

"So that you could let her go."

"Not just that. You know when you have those moments where everything suddenly gets really clear and the lightbulb goes off in your head? Well, once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I had one of those. And that's why I want to tell you how sorry I am."

"You've lost me," Amanda replied, brow furrowing.

"Amanda, I took your friendship and used it because I thought I was being a good agent. But I was being a lousy friend and I didn't realize how lousy until I was the one standing on the other side. It was quite the kick in the gut."

"Oh, but Lee, it's not the same! She was doing it for all the most terrible reasons and you weren't! You were trying to save people!" Amanda said hotly.

Lee gave her a quick grin, dimples dancing at her vehement defense, then schooled his face back to being serious. "It felt the same though, didn't it?" he asked.

"Well… yes," she admitted, deflated. "But I overreacted."

"No, Amanda, you didn't," Lee sighed. "You had every right to be mad at me. I should have included you, all three of you, right from the start. Putting you through all that when we were going to involve you anyway – it was a step too far. If I've learned anything from you, it's that having someone you can trust makes it better, but I took advantage of your trust in me and it was wrong. I'm really sorry."

"I'm sorry too," said Amanda.

"Why are you sorry?" asked Lee in confusion.

Amanda ducked her head to pull her thoughts together, then looked back at him. "For overreacting. Oh no, I did, I know I did," she went on quickly when he started to protest. "I know we were both saying things in the heat of the moment, but it hurt to think you saw the whole thing as 'just business' when I was so happy to see you when I thought you were gone forever."

Lee nodded. "Deep down, I knew you were right, but I kept saying all the wrong things trying to defend it."

"And when I calmed down, I remembered all the times that wasn't true – I mean, for heaven's sake, you tried to quit when the Agency told you to just leave me and Francine with the Russians! It doesn't get much more personal than that."

"And you talked me out of it. It doesn't get much more business-like than that," he teased. There was a beat of silence and then Lee broke it with a chuckle. "We're quite the pair, aren't we?"

"Butch and Sundance never had it so good," she replied, laughing.

"No, they didn't," he agreed. He leaned forward, arms crossed on the table between them. "Look, I meant what I said about it being better when you have someone you trust around. Do you think you could…I mean, I know you're not an agent, but you're smart and insightful and you understand things I don't, like how fast a woman uses up lipstick and, well, I think I should ask Billy to make it more official."

"Official?" Amanda's forehead crinkled as she tried to decipher his meaning.

"He keeps nagging me to have a partner and you're someone I trust more than anyone. Not that you'd be my partner exactly, maybe more like an apprentice," he tried to explain. "You've been helping me for months for anyway, and you've been taking the civilian courses already. No one will even be surprised if I ask Billy to start you on some of the recruit classes that are the next step up and in the meantime, you can be my extra pair of eyes in the field, that sort of thing."

"Like your sidekick?" she teased him, watching his beautiful smile light up as he remembered the last time they'd discussed that.

"Exactly," he grinned. "I get top billing though."

"And I still have to do all your paperwork, I bet," she added. The flash of guilt that went across his face made her laugh out loud. "Is that why you asked me?"

"No, of course not! But you are so good at it…" he stuttered. "But I'll ask Billy if we can't bump you up a pay grade for the added responsibility," he added.

"Oh Lee, that would be great!" she replied enthusiastically. She leaned across the table and whispered conspiratorially. "You know I'd do it anyway, though, don't you, Butch?"

He leaned in and whispered back. "I hoped you might, Kid."

As they sat there beaming at each other, the waitress arrived with their meals.

"Sorry about the wait," she apologized. "There's a love triangle going on in the kitchen and they got distracted mixing personal and business and the whole place went to hell in a handbasket. You know how it is."

Lee and Amanda's eyes met over the table.

"Yeah," said Amanda as Lee nodded. "We know how that is."


End file.
